i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
