Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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