a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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