currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
