she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
