I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
