Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
