as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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