i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
