Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
