I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
