four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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