Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
