Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
