I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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