I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
