you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The Olympian is in my bed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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