Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
