so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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