New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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