on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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