Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
