i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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