i jhust puked up my retainher.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
