I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
