I accidentally burped into my bong.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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