: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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