It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
