I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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