Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
