When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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