Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
