My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
