I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
