The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
then he tried to convert me to islam
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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