Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
