college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
