Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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