Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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