I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
