the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
