i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
