....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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