having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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