please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
