you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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