i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
