i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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