Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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