Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
