I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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